Dealing with Anger and
Temper in the Home

Ten thoughts on the subject of anger that may be helpful to parents:

1. Anger is a secondary emotion, resulting from embarrassment, frustration, guilt, and dozens of other emotions. If we recognize this and look for and examine the source emotion, we can better control our anger.

2. Anger is rarely effective with children and almost always damaging or destructive to some degree. The parent who walks in on a six year old who has used way too much soap in trying to clean the bathtub and explodes, "Kathy, you've used too much soap," will be answered by either a mad or a sad, "Well, I was just trying to clean the tub!" If the parent checks himself and says instead, "Thank you for trying to clean the tub," the child will smile and say, "But I used too much soap."

3. Anger is contagious. Parents hear children responding exactly like they have -- same tone, same inflection, same words. What makes parenting so scary is that we are raising parents.

4. There is a difference between firmness and anger. Children who need discipline need firmness -- and even gain a certain security from it. The adage, "The proper response to outrageous behavior is outrage," makes a good point, although outrage has too uncontrolled a connotation. Maybe it should say, "The proper response to outrageous behavior is firmness."

5. Some children are more sensitive and more ego-damaged by parental anger than others. We must be especially careful with such children.

6. Uncontrolled tempers do cause child abuse -- either physical or verbal. If "counting to ten" isn't working and your temper scares you, get help by going to a counselor or religious leader before you do something you'll regret forever.

7. At the same time, release yourself from some of the guilt you may feel about occasional temper flare-ups. It happens to virtually everyone.

8. Talk with children about the violence and temper they see on TV and in other media. Differentiate between those "stories" and what is acceptable in "this home." Make a commitment of love and kindness to each other.

9. Hugs may be the very best way of over winning or controlling or toning down anger. Hold the child close and wait . . . and think. It may melt his heart and yours and then you can talk.

10. Remember the model of great leaders through the ages. Most prominent among them is Jesus who, despite His justifiable and righteous indignation concerning the money changers in His Father's house, sat down and thought (while He braided a whip) so that any anger remaining was reasoned and controlled.

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