We live in a world where independence is the perceived goal of almost everyone, and the hoped-for outcome of everything we do. But there is something better. Much better!

It is interdependence!

In an interdependent marriage or relationship, two people essentially trade their independence for something better. They learn that, through total commitment and genuine love, a certain synergy can develop where the total is greater than the sum of its parts. Within the confidence and security of their marriage, they each drop their facades and egos and allow a vulnerability and accept each other’s help. They compensate for each other’s weaknesses, complement each other’s strengths, and create a new entity of oneness without losing their separate individuality. They develop a wonderful, almost magical interdependence that combines synergy, symbiosis, and synchronicity.

For more detail and how-tos on interdependence:

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Painting by Brian Kershisnik

In our four decades of working with families and observing all kinds of marriage situations, we have become convinced that there are five elements that maximize the chances for a marriage to be nourishing, loving, enduring and, yes, endlessly romantic. They are Commitment, Compatibility, Courtship, Chastity, and Celebration.

If they were put into an equation, they would look like this: C+C+C+C+C=MM (Maximized Marriage).

What we like about each of these five qualities is that they can all be worked on and progressively strengthened and improved. They also provide a good checklist or an evaluation framework for your marriage. Ask yourself the five questions: How am I doing on C and how could I do better? It’s a question that can be asked about each of the C’s over and over because there is no ceiling, no limit!

For additional ideas on how to improve on each:

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Real, full-on, no-caveat, nothing-held-back marriage commitment brings with it life’s greatest security and well-being. Complete commitment can actually become a kind of magic. It is the magic of synergy–of a combination where the total is greater than the sum of its parts; where one plus one can equal more than two. Much more.

Cohabitation or marriages that start with some kind of conditional commitment—the “let’s see how it works out” variety—are fragile and undependable and far more likely to break up when the going gets tough. Instead of saying “Let’s see if we can get through some tough times and then make a full commitment” we should be saying (and understanding) that “it is the total commitment that will get us through the tough times!”

For more practical ideas and how-tos on this subject:

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Instead of worrying about disagreeing, worry about resolving differences positively. And instead of worrying if your children see you disagreeing (hopefully not violently or angrily), just be sure they also see you resolving things and making up.

There are three methods of marital conflict resolution that seem to always have a positive effect:

1. Rogerian Technique: Have a rule that you have to paraphrase back whatever your spouse has said to his or her satisfaction before you can make your own next point. This will force you to really listen to and understand each other.

2. “Go to the Balcony”. If an argument starts escalating, call a timeout and each of you take a little walk—go “to the balcony”—or go change clothes or do something else for 10 or 15 minutes to reset and get a bigger perspective, and then reconvene when you are both calmer and more collected.

3. Have a “Sunday Session” together each week where you review the past week, plan the next week, and “clear the air” on any bad feelings or unresolved differences from the past week.

For further insights and practical how-tos on this tip:

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Painting by Brian Kershisnik

Three suggestions about what to work hardest on:

1. Good Marriages inevitably improve people’s parenting, but it doesn’t necessarily work the other way around. Work hardest on your marriage relationship and second hardest on your parenting.

2. You may have gone into marriage thinking that you would be able to change your spouse into the person you wanted—into the person who will fulfill all your needs. Stop thinking that and work hardest on changing yourself.

3. Consider this question: Whose happiness do you think you have more control over, your spouse’s or your own? Work hardest on his or her happiness, and in that process you will make yourself happier.

For further insights and practical how-tos on this tip:

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Painting by Brian Kershisnik

What is a couple to do if they love each other but are very different from each other and frequently find that they are bothered by things the other person does? First of all change your definition of a good marriage from “Two people who always agree and think alike” to “Two strong, independent people who have chosen to be interdependent but who remain who they are and each bring their unique strengths and views into a synergistic relationship.”

For further insights and practical how-tos on this tip:

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Painting by Brian Kershisnik

We will be using the Summer to review the Top Ten Parenting Tips here and on Social Media (Instagram @richardlindaeyre, Facebook @richardlindaeyre, and Twitter @richardeyre), where we will post a one-minute video each week reviewing one of the Top Ten.

You can also access these videos from the YouTube section on the ValuesParenging homepage. We encourage you to have a goal this summer to get all 10 of the top 10 implemented in your family. You can look down this list of posts go get more how-to information on each tip in the form of links to articles, podcasts and other ways to help on each of the 10 ideas.

Then in the early fall, as school starts again, we will resume with the Top Twenty Marriage Tips.

Isn’t it fun to try to improve our efforts in our top priorities — Marriage and Parenting? We are excited if these tips help a bit as you try to do that in your family! Have a great summer!

We love you,
Richard and Linda

This is the first of the Top Ten Marriage/Relationships Tips that we have found in our 4 decades of speaking to and working with couples throughout the world. This first one puts a new twist on the five most common reasons people give for splitting up or divorcing. The thought is that if these are the five problems or points of disagreement that cause divorce, then total, open communication about each of them may be the five best ways to protect and improve a marriage. The five are Finances, Sex, Parenting, Goals, and Beliefs. How completely do you communicate about each of these. Do you know everything there is to know about each other on each of the five?

For some suggestions about how to maximize your togetherness on these critical relationship subjects:

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We love sharing one specific parenting or marriage tip each week, but this week we take a brief break from them to focus on Joy School (because if you have preschoolers, now is the time to think about starting a Joy School group for the coming school year).

Joy School is a phenomenal preschool curriculum that focuses on teaching kids the social and emotional “joys” that give them a foundation of happiness for life and that get them ready for kindergarten. Units include the Joy of the Body, the Joy of Imagination and Creativity, The Joy of Goal Striving and Order, and seven other “joys.”

Moms set up Joy School groups and then moms rotate as the teacher using the methods, stories, songs, and activities that make the teaching easy. All the other moms (who are not teaching that week) have the morning off!

One of the most complete preschool curriculums ever developed, Joy School costs a small fraction of what commercial preschools cost, and the program has become so popular that it has now been used by more than 300,000 families

For more information on Joy School:

Article Podcast Info & Sign-Up Forming a Group

All parents know how important communication and discipline are within their family, but few seem to manage the clear, calm effectiveness they desire. What we need is a simple “secret code,” built around animal images that kids love, which corrects and reminds children of correct behavior without power struggles or arguments. Humpback Whales, for example, do not interrupt each other, and they sing pleasantly to one another—no yelling or anger. Crabs have an instinct to pull each other down so that if there are two crabs in a bucket, neither of them will ever get out. We want to be like whales, not like crabs.

The full secret code includes 9 animal images, researched, tried and proven, and guaranteed to make the task of correcting kids behavior simpler, more effective, and much, much more pleasant.

For the animal code images and specific instructions on how to use them:

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